Article about zen surfing

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Attract the attention of a multiple-world-title-holding surfer and still look cool

One would think it would be a simple matter of wearing one’s skimpiest Brazilian-cut bikini bottom (those ones that look like you’re wearing your bikini back-to-front) and then shredding the waves, including as many reverse aerials, bottom turns and sick, deep barrels as possible. Add a bunch of waves that are so carved up that Freddy Krueger would be impressed, and BAM! You’ve got the attention you were seeking from the Dude who Rules the Waves.

Sounds like a wetsuit-sealed plan….except the sea these days is teeming with an abundance of radical female surfers, like Stephanie Gilmore and Tyler Wright, and the upcoming Sabre Norris – who would just make you look like an uncoordinated, wobbly amateur in comparison. Or like Stephen Hawking having a good day.

And then there are the Coffey gals from Australia – known as the Kardashians of the surf world. But that’s another story, best left to fans of the Brazilian-cut bikini bottom.

The plan clearly has to be adjusted.

So I started thinking about artists that are catching people’s attention all over the world. I’m thinking of Banksy, Andy Warhol, Steven Cohen….all artists who have captured the attention of the world with their outrageous, original creations.

Ok, so Steven Cohen was arrested for his recent Art Work, which involved a cock attached to a human body part. A rooster, I mean, before you start thinking weird thoughts. He was in France at the time. Just saying. I still have a very distinct image in my head of Steven Cohen in the middle of a shack settlement that was being dismantled by government workers – the red ants – wearing just a very large chandelier and extremely high heels.

Then there was Andy Warhol (the REAL Warhol, not the artist series surfboard range)(which are very cool and very clever – a silkscreen of The Last Supper on a fish, a silkscreen of a gun on a gun.)(a fish is a speedy little small-wave surfboard, a gun is a long, big-wave board). No-one can forget his Campbell’s soup cans or Marilyn-inspired screen prints. And the bad hairstyle. So much like a surfer…he even made a surf movie a long time ago.

Banksy and his stencil type graffiti, featuring rats (not surf rats, REAL rats) and becoming progressively more and more political, has gathered a large following. His true identity is still not known. His American trip featuring the artwork Sirens of the Lambs had a slaughter house delivery truck filled with cuddly stuffed toys taken for slaughter, resulting in both children and adults reacting with amazement (and horror).

Now those are all good ways of getting people’s attention.

So what about a combination of all of these? Surfing whilst wearing a giant chandelier and high heels, whilst simultaneously juggling soup cans and balancing a rooster (or a pig – they seem big right now) on the front of the surfboard, which would be festooned with paintings of the Last Supper (everybody loves cheeses, after all).

And wear a brightly coloured balaklava at the same time, Pussy Riot style, because you may not want to reveal your true identity to the one you are trying to impress after your performance.